Drawing a close

Over the past few months, I've been writing in this blog, complaining and spewing my painfully emo-ness vomit all over it.

I know the past few blogs have been generally happy ones, but this is the ultimate one. This is the blog post to end all blog posts (well at least for this blog).

My intention of this blog was so I could have a way to kind of give myself some sort of self-therapy. I suppose it helped a little, but I think most of my progress came from listening to Relient K and hanging out with awesome people (both of which can take place away from the computer and internet).

I'm not at the light at the end of the tunnel...I'm long gone out of that tunnel, frolicking in the sunshine, acting like an insane goober. And guess what? That's all I ever needed to do. Someone would notice me eventually, and that is exactly what happened. No front. No pressure to be something else. No mask. Just me.

So, if there is really some sort of final words of advice I could give to the people who read this, is pretty much: [Get away from the computer and] Live your life. Meet people that you can see everyday. Don't trust too easily, and stay strong. There's someone out there for everyone, no matter how long it takes. And I'm not just talking about a "romantic" someone. Be content with a best friend or buddy. Be grateful for what you have and don't sulk around thinking that nobody sees your worth.

Well, good-bye blog. You have served me decently these past few months *turns back and salutes*

Transformation complete

I am happy to say that I finally think my transformation is complete.

I love my new glasses.

I love my new hair.

I love my new clothes.

I love my new look.

I love my new outlook on life.

I love my new feelings.

I love the new me.

Hey, I probably look like a hipster. But at least I'm a cool hipster.

Oh yeahhh.

I just got done recording a super rough acoustic demo for a song I wrote back in January (I think?). It's called "Echo" and since it's one of the only original songs I have, it will most likely be going on my EP that I hope to release this summer.

Well that's about it.

Sheesh, my blog posts are a whole lot less interesting when I'm not depressed. Oh well, I don't mind the trade off haha. :P

Squish

I am just so...I don't know...GREAT right now.

I'm finally to the point where my day could totally suck, but I'd still feel happy. I've never felt like that before, and it's ridiculous. What else have I been missing out on my whole life?

To anyone reading this, seriously, just be everything you can be. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're a piece of sh*t. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough for them. Forget and just don't care. Forget and don't slow down.

Forget and don't slow down, because before you know it, the stuff that's behind you will be as insignificant as a little bug that's about to be squished. Overcome the past. Squish it. Squish it and make it wish it'd never crossed your path.

It's crazy

I've had many a good time these past few days. (Is that how you'd say that? Psh, yyyeah, I don't care).

First of all, I had an epiphany after Alyssa suggested I watch this episode of How I Met Your Mother.
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/how_i_met_your_mother/video/

But yeah, anyway, moving on!

This past weekend was pretty much the best days I've ever had in...ever. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to have so much fun and feel so accepted. I didn't think I could genuinely smile and laugh so much. I didn't think it was possible for me to actually be NOT awkward for an extended period of time. And I learned how to lay low just the right amount as to be neither too unsocial (looking like an emo) nor too social (being annoying). It worked out quite fantastically.

And I just think it's crazy that there are all these awesome people who I went to high school with but never really talked to or gotten to be friends with until now. I'm grateful that so many Chesterton kids go to the same college as me. It makes things so much more fun, simple, and awesome. It's crazy how I was never close to people who were so close (distance-wise).

So now, all I need to do is keep it cool, and wait for things to evolve (and I'm not talkin' Pokemon). I'm excited.

Also, this is the last week of school before spring break, hollaaaa!

No, I'm not gangster. I'll leave that to Mike and Hayley. (And that's not meant to be sarcastic. It's just meant to be funny lolol love you).

Simple life

It's midnight, and I've been sitting here bored out of my mind for the past two hours. But then I realized...I CAN BLOG!

Hm, well today was surprisingly good. I got a new phone and new glasses. All that's left now is new hair and new clothes, and my transformation will be complete. *Evil laughter*

Anyways, things are relatively good except for my classes. I honestly think I have ADD because I literally cannot concentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds. It's a real problem in my philosophy and history lectures, because I have to take notes. And to top it all off, my Japanese class is kicking my butt and I hate it. It's gotten to the point where I'm considering changing my major. But seeing as how I'm not good at anything, my considerations haven't really gotten far.

Which is why I think it is scientifically impossible for the two major aspects of my life to be good at the same time. Social life/friends=good. School=bad. It was the opposite last semester. And I guess maybe the two are correlated sort of in some way, but whatever. All I know is that I do not know. (Some famous philosopher said that right? See, I need to pay more attention in philosophy class...)

But anyways, who cares about that? You guys came here to hear some deep, realization stuff. And so I shall provide.

More and more, I'm starting to realize that things are only as complicated as we make them or how we choose to see them. I realized that I don't want things to be complicated. I just want things to be simple. I want to like someone, and have them like me, and us be together. Simple as that. I don't want to have to second guess myself every single day, wondering and worrying if I'm going to make the right decision. Worrying makes me depressed, angry, and sad, and I just don't need that. I've had enough of those emotions these past 4 months and I don't want to get myself into any more situations like that. Can't I just live a simple life? Can't I just be with someone who is here with me?

We shall see.

Silence

...You hear that?

...

Yes, silence.

Silence is something we all take for granted, I think. Silence allows us to forget the things that are going on around us. It allows us to sit and think about whatever we wish. It allows us to create worlds in our minds that no one else can see.

As I sit here in my silent dorm room in the early hours of the morning, I realize that this is all my life is. Silence.

My life is static, quiet, and uninteresting. And like silence, I think I'm taken for granted at times.

I spend over half my day sitting and thinking. Not just thinking, but creating and imagining situations that I can only dream about. I think way too much about the future and what will happen to me. I imagine a life where I grow up and am happy. I take comfort in these thoughts, but then realize that they are only thoughts. Thoughts created from nothing. From silence.

When will my silence be broken? Where is that loud noise I'm waiting for to break the silence?

Where are you?

I need you.

Trust

(Really cheesy title, I know)

I really should be in bed right now. BUT I wanted to write a blog so all my thoughts wouldn't disappear into thin air before I got the chance to write (type?) them down.

So in the past (as in high school), I was afraid to get too close to people I liked. Whenever I would like someone and they would like me, this voice in the back of my head would start yelling at me, being like "Oh man, you have to get out of this. No matter what. You have to." So that's what I would do. I broke some hearts this way. Thankfully (?) it only happened with two people, but I regret being such a scared little baby when all I ever was, was confused. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anything.

Recently (as in about 6 hours ago), this instinct started kicking in. I started gushing out my thoughts and doubts and worries. The walls came up, my insecurity kicked in, and I didn't know what to say.

But you see, there is a difference now compared to my high school years. In high school, those guys didn't really care about me. If they did, they would have done everything in their power to make me stay. They would have stuck around, been understanding, and just been there to talk to. But they didn't. They didn't really care.

But NOW, guess what? Someone cares. Someone actually cares. I, myself, cannot fathom it, and I'm still having quite a struggle accepting it. It's hard after so many years of being rejected, alone, abandoned, lied to, and destroyed.

Something seemingly so easy like trust is really not something to toy with. It's tough. And with people's minds becoming diluted by all those chick flicks, it's no wonder. In the movies, it's just like trust is there with a snap of your fingers. It's totally not like that, in case you didn't know already.

What I'm trying to say is that...don't push people away because you're scared. I still have to tell myself this to this very day...this very second. If someone really cares about you enough, then you have to take that risk. You have to let your walls down a little. (I wish I could take my own advice haha).

So, that's my life right now.

I just have to trust.