Trust

(Really cheesy title, I know)

I really should be in bed right now. BUT I wanted to write a blog so all my thoughts wouldn't disappear into thin air before I got the chance to write (type?) them down.

So in the past (as in high school), I was afraid to get too close to people I liked. Whenever I would like someone and they would like me, this voice in the back of my head would start yelling at me, being like "Oh man, you have to get out of this. No matter what. You have to." So that's what I would do. I broke some hearts this way. Thankfully (?) it only happened with two people, but I regret being such a scared little baby when all I ever was, was confused. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anything.

Recently (as in about 6 hours ago), this instinct started kicking in. I started gushing out my thoughts and doubts and worries. The walls came up, my insecurity kicked in, and I didn't know what to say.

But you see, there is a difference now compared to my high school years. In high school, those guys didn't really care about me. If they did, they would have done everything in their power to make me stay. They would have stuck around, been understanding, and just been there to talk to. But they didn't. They didn't really care.

But NOW, guess what? Someone cares. Someone actually cares. I, myself, cannot fathom it, and I'm still having quite a struggle accepting it. It's hard after so many years of being rejected, alone, abandoned, lied to, and destroyed.

Something seemingly so easy like trust is really not something to toy with. It's tough. And with people's minds becoming diluted by all those chick flicks, it's no wonder. In the movies, it's just like trust is there with a snap of your fingers. It's totally not like that, in case you didn't know already.

What I'm trying to say is that...don't push people away because you're scared. I still have to tell myself this to this very day...this very second. If someone really cares about you enough, then you have to take that risk. You have to let your walls down a little. (I wish I could take my own advice haha).

So, that's my life right now.

I just have to trust.