Drawing a close

Over the past few months, I've been writing in this blog, complaining and spewing my painfully emo-ness vomit all over it.

I know the past few blogs have been generally happy ones, but this is the ultimate one. This is the blog post to end all blog posts (well at least for this blog).

My intention of this blog was so I could have a way to kind of give myself some sort of self-therapy. I suppose it helped a little, but I think most of my progress came from listening to Relient K and hanging out with awesome people (both of which can take place away from the computer and internet).

I'm not at the light at the end of the tunnel...I'm long gone out of that tunnel, frolicking in the sunshine, acting like an insane goober. And guess what? That's all I ever needed to do. Someone would notice me eventually, and that is exactly what happened. No front. No pressure to be something else. No mask. Just me.

So, if there is really some sort of final words of advice I could give to the people who read this, is pretty much: [Get away from the computer and] Live your life. Meet people that you can see everyday. Don't trust too easily, and stay strong. There's someone out there for everyone, no matter how long it takes. And I'm not just talking about a "romantic" someone. Be content with a best friend or buddy. Be grateful for what you have and don't sulk around thinking that nobody sees your worth.

Well, good-bye blog. You have served me decently these past few months *turns back and salutes*

Transformation complete

I am happy to say that I finally think my transformation is complete.

I love my new glasses.

I love my new hair.

I love my new clothes.

I love my new look.

I love my new outlook on life.

I love my new feelings.

I love the new me.

Hey, I probably look like a hipster. But at least I'm a cool hipster.

Oh yeahhh.

I just got done recording a super rough acoustic demo for a song I wrote back in January (I think?). It's called "Echo" and since it's one of the only original songs I have, it will most likely be going on my EP that I hope to release this summer.

Well that's about it.

Sheesh, my blog posts are a whole lot less interesting when I'm not depressed. Oh well, I don't mind the trade off haha. :P

Squish

I am just so...I don't know...GREAT right now.

I'm finally to the point where my day could totally suck, but I'd still feel happy. I've never felt like that before, and it's ridiculous. What else have I been missing out on my whole life?

To anyone reading this, seriously, just be everything you can be. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're a piece of sh*t. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough for them. Forget and just don't care. Forget and don't slow down.

Forget and don't slow down, because before you know it, the stuff that's behind you will be as insignificant as a little bug that's about to be squished. Overcome the past. Squish it. Squish it and make it wish it'd never crossed your path.

It's crazy

I've had many a good time these past few days. (Is that how you'd say that? Psh, yyyeah, I don't care).

First of all, I had an epiphany after Alyssa suggested I watch this episode of How I Met Your Mother.
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/how_i_met_your_mother/video/

But yeah, anyway, moving on!

This past weekend was pretty much the best days I've ever had in...ever. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to have so much fun and feel so accepted. I didn't think I could genuinely smile and laugh so much. I didn't think it was possible for me to actually be NOT awkward for an extended period of time. And I learned how to lay low just the right amount as to be neither too unsocial (looking like an emo) nor too social (being annoying). It worked out quite fantastically.

And I just think it's crazy that there are all these awesome people who I went to high school with but never really talked to or gotten to be friends with until now. I'm grateful that so many Chesterton kids go to the same college as me. It makes things so much more fun, simple, and awesome. It's crazy how I was never close to people who were so close (distance-wise).

So now, all I need to do is keep it cool, and wait for things to evolve (and I'm not talkin' Pokemon). I'm excited.

Also, this is the last week of school before spring break, hollaaaa!

No, I'm not gangster. I'll leave that to Mike and Hayley. (And that's not meant to be sarcastic. It's just meant to be funny lolol love you).

Simple life

It's midnight, and I've been sitting here bored out of my mind for the past two hours. But then I realized...I CAN BLOG!

Hm, well today was surprisingly good. I got a new phone and new glasses. All that's left now is new hair and new clothes, and my transformation will be complete. *Evil laughter*

Anyways, things are relatively good except for my classes. I honestly think I have ADD because I literally cannot concentrate on anything for more than 10 seconds. It's a real problem in my philosophy and history lectures, because I have to take notes. And to top it all off, my Japanese class is kicking my butt and I hate it. It's gotten to the point where I'm considering changing my major. But seeing as how I'm not good at anything, my considerations haven't really gotten far.

Which is why I think it is scientifically impossible for the two major aspects of my life to be good at the same time. Social life/friends=good. School=bad. It was the opposite last semester. And I guess maybe the two are correlated sort of in some way, but whatever. All I know is that I do not know. (Some famous philosopher said that right? See, I need to pay more attention in philosophy class...)

But anyways, who cares about that? You guys came here to hear some deep, realization stuff. And so I shall provide.

More and more, I'm starting to realize that things are only as complicated as we make them or how we choose to see them. I realized that I don't want things to be complicated. I just want things to be simple. I want to like someone, and have them like me, and us be together. Simple as that. I don't want to have to second guess myself every single day, wondering and worrying if I'm going to make the right decision. Worrying makes me depressed, angry, and sad, and I just don't need that. I've had enough of those emotions these past 4 months and I don't want to get myself into any more situations like that. Can't I just live a simple life? Can't I just be with someone who is here with me?

We shall see.

Silence

...You hear that?

...

Yes, silence.

Silence is something we all take for granted, I think. Silence allows us to forget the things that are going on around us. It allows us to sit and think about whatever we wish. It allows us to create worlds in our minds that no one else can see.

As I sit here in my silent dorm room in the early hours of the morning, I realize that this is all my life is. Silence.

My life is static, quiet, and uninteresting. And like silence, I think I'm taken for granted at times.

I spend over half my day sitting and thinking. Not just thinking, but creating and imagining situations that I can only dream about. I think way too much about the future and what will happen to me. I imagine a life where I grow up and am happy. I take comfort in these thoughts, but then realize that they are only thoughts. Thoughts created from nothing. From silence.

When will my silence be broken? Where is that loud noise I'm waiting for to break the silence?

Where are you?

I need you.

Trust

(Really cheesy title, I know)

I really should be in bed right now. BUT I wanted to write a blog so all my thoughts wouldn't disappear into thin air before I got the chance to write (type?) them down.

So in the past (as in high school), I was afraid to get too close to people I liked. Whenever I would like someone and they would like me, this voice in the back of my head would start yelling at me, being like "Oh man, you have to get out of this. No matter what. You have to." So that's what I would do. I broke some hearts this way. Thankfully (?) it only happened with two people, but I regret being such a scared little baby when all I ever was, was confused. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anything.

Recently (as in about 6 hours ago), this instinct started kicking in. I started gushing out my thoughts and doubts and worries. The walls came up, my insecurity kicked in, and I didn't know what to say.

But you see, there is a difference now compared to my high school years. In high school, those guys didn't really care about me. If they did, they would have done everything in their power to make me stay. They would have stuck around, been understanding, and just been there to talk to. But they didn't. They didn't really care.

But NOW, guess what? Someone cares. Someone actually cares. I, myself, cannot fathom it, and I'm still having quite a struggle accepting it. It's hard after so many years of being rejected, alone, abandoned, lied to, and destroyed.

Something seemingly so easy like trust is really not something to toy with. It's tough. And with people's minds becoming diluted by all those chick flicks, it's no wonder. In the movies, it's just like trust is there with a snap of your fingers. It's totally not like that, in case you didn't know already.

What I'm trying to say is that...don't push people away because you're scared. I still have to tell myself this to this very day...this very second. If someone really cares about you enough, then you have to take that risk. You have to let your walls down a little. (I wish I could take my own advice haha).

So, that's my life right now.

I just have to trust.

I'd rather

Yes, yes, I know you all (all like five of you) are wondering why I changed the name of my blog. And if you didn't notice or you weren't wondering or if you just don't care, well then, why are you here?

The previous title of my blog "Devastation & Reform" was the title of a Relient K song. The title as well as the song fit my situation very well when I started this blog. It's really a wonderful song, you should look it up.

The new title "Forget & Not Slow Down" is also the title of a Relient K song. I think as time has been passing, I've been becoming okay. So to reflect this change, I'd thought I'd give this blog a new title. The song also reflects a new outlook on life and about moving on.

How many times
Can I push it aside?
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts
Of all the things that haunt me most,
So they leave me alone?
Move on with my life,
Be certain the steps of left and right
Don't fight the direction of upright.

I'd rather forget and not slow down,
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now.
If I become what I can't accept,
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch,
Pour over me and wash my hands of it.

So I hope this change will be the first of many.

Because there comes a time when you just have to move on, forget, and not slow down.

Keep running and never look back.

Because I'd rather forget and not slow down than be stuck here wallowing in my devastation, hoping desperately that I'll magically reform.

The Road

I wanted to blog tonight, but realized that I had nothing to say. So I looked through some of my Tumblr posts and found these lyrics I wrote. どうぞ。In other words, here ya go.

The Road

How far can my heart stretch
Until it tears in half?
Do I know my own strength
Walking slowly down this road
Of self destruction, that leads to a cliff?
You warned me long ago
That I might feel like this.
Still I took that risk

Still I tried to fix
You

I suppose now I believe
That you can’t change a man.
You only end up useless, defenseless,
Walking dazed in a trance.
But still I keep moving along
This road you promised us.
Even if you don’t come back,
I’m never giving up.

How far can I keep walking
Until my legs give out?
I think I’m still standing,
But I really rather not
Look back to see if you’re following me,
‘Cause then I’d have to convince
My heart that you weren’t real
And I’d have to kill this

This thought of
You

I suppose now I believe
That you can’t change a man.
You only end up useless, defenseless,
Walking dazed in a trance,
I'll still I keep moving along
This road you promised us.
Even if you don’t come back,
I’m never giving up.

Maybe I can pretend,
Fake it long enough
Until you’re really there,
No one could call my bluff.
No one would know
That I’m nothing to you.

I suppose now I won’t believe
That you can’t change a man.
Even if I’m useless, defenseless,
Walking dazed in a trance.
But still I’ll keep moving along
This road you promised us.
Even if you don’t come back,
I’ll never give you up.

Not now

It's 2am and I still need haven't finished studying for my history exam that I have tomorrow. I have photographic memory, so if I just look over the notes a couple times, I should be fine. Maybe.

But anyway, I wanted to post a blog while I was in a decent mood. But much to my dismay, I can feel that decent mood slowly slipping away. Dang it. Oh well, here I go anyway.

I realized today that I am constantly thinking and worrying about what is not now. In other words, I either live in the past or in the future. I never think about what is going on right now. When something happens, my brain is constantly thinking ahead, about how that happening will affect things later on. Then, when things don't work out, I drown myself in the past when things were the way I wanted them to be.

Is this normal? I mean, to a certain degree, I would hope that everyone thinks about the future. I mean, one needs to at times for certain things. But I think, quite possibly, they way I go about thinking about things is a little excessive. So, stop it, Anna! -slaps wrist-

It's hard to live in the now. I guess I really don't know how. I'm so afraid I won't end up happy, that I constantly feel that I have to do everything in my power (and sometimes things out of my power) to arrange things so that I'll be better off days, weeks, months, years down the road. I need to assure myself that things will be okay eventually if I just keep preparing myself for what might or might not happen.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now.

The bottom line, I guess, is that I don't know how to really live. Yeah, that sounds way better than all that rambling up there.

Technical woes

As I am currently quite frustrated with technology, the atmosphere of this post might be quite bitter, cynical, and frustrated. You know, the fun stuff. (But when am I not bitter, cynical, and frustrated?)

(Although, I'm listening to one of Raven Zoe's songs right now, and it's kind of calming me. BUT STILL. I'll just wait until the song is over, and resume my sour mood.)

....

Hm, yeah, I'm going to have to buy her EP.

Okay, anyways, MOVING ON!

Elaborating on my technology woes... when I was home on Saturday, I literally spent the entire day recording a song and editing together a video for it to put up on YouTube. First, MPEG Streamclip wouldn't cooperate. It kept squishing my videos. After many facepalms and frustrated sighs, I got it to work. I felt quite accomplished.

Then I opened up FinalCut Express, and I was having just a grand ol' time editing together everything. Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. I love editing stuff together. It makes me feel smart. So when I was done, I exported it and everything seemed dandy. Then I opened up Quicktime just for one last watch before I uploaded it. And I almost threw my computer across the room.



It's probably hard to tell from the picture, but... the video is supposed to be in 16:9 (because my camera is HD), but FinalCut Express PUT IT IN 4:3 SO NOW EVERYTHING IS STRETCHED OUT AND HAS THE STUPID BLACK LETTERBOXES.

I looked everywhere for a solution. I couldn't find it. I scoured Google and YouTube, hoping something could help me. But nothing. I couldn't find anything.

I gave up. A few minutes ago, I deleted FinalCut Express from my computer, and am now currently downloading it again.

I think this current struggle with computers reflects my life in a way.

I'm looking everywhere and asking everyone I can for a solution. I can't find one. No matter how hard I look, there isn't going to be one. I am in control of how I feel, even though it doesn't really feel that way right now. There's no solution. So I'm giving up on trying to feel anything for anyone. My heart will eventually freeze over, be locked up, and be bolted down.

And there's nothing I can do. Unlike computer programs, I can't just delete, re-download, and re-install. No matter how mechanical and robotic I may become later on, it'll never be true.

Roots

As I type this, I am safe and sound in my own bed. It feels good to be home, I guess.

Today, I went to go see my old high school's show choirs perform. Hey, I was in it for three years, it's the least I could do. But anyways.

As I sat by myself the audience, memories of high school, memories of all the stupid things I went through, memories of the times I was beaten down filled my mind. I was actually crying.

You see, in high school, I was the one who stood up for herself, yet was afraid to live. I was afraid to just let myself go and let all my worries go. I was uncomfortable with myself and everything and everyone. Mainly because I felt like no one listened to me. And no one really did.

When I was in show choir, I was constantly verbally abused and treated unfairly by the director, who was extremely immature. And I'm not just saying that. Everyone around me saw it too, but they didn't do anything about it. They just stood by and watched it happen. Every time.

Every time he would say something out of line to me, I would stick up for myself. He would then beat me down with another comment, and it would usually end in me either being extremely ticked off or me leaving the room, crying.

There was one time in particular at the last competition last year (by this time, I wasn't even in the choir anymore, just the back up band) where everyone was standing in the hallway, waiting for our turn to perform. It is typical of mostly everyone to cry at the last competition because it is the seniors' last competition ever. So, yeah, my eyes were tearing up a bit.

My director then started to threaten me if I did not stop crying. This only made it worse. He then grabbed me by the arm, and took me farther down the hallway, to then yell and scream and verbally abuse me just inches from my face. I was hysterical. Everyone could hear and see everything.

After he walked away, I collapsed on the ground in a heap and sobbed like a child. Sure, I had felt defeat before, but not like that. I had never been or looked so helpless in my life. I had been beaten down past my breaking point and I just didn't understand anything.

And now I'm thinking...maybe if I had stood up for myself just a little bit more, maybe if I had not allowed myself to be so beaten down by someone so immature, maybe if I had just not been so afraid of life, I wouldn't be the way I am now...so easily broken down and defeated, having essentially no self esteem left.

I truly believe that what I went through in high school has permanently affected me emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. And maybe the story I just told you doesn't seen like a big deal to you, but believe me, there are many more similar stories that I either don't care to tell or don't remember.

So those are the roots of why I am who I am. Roots that will be extremely difficult to uproot, if not impossible to ever uproot.

People who always help me

So my old high school gets an exchange student from Japan every year. Awesome right? Yeah. I became really good friends with the one last year (Maya), and she even came to visit during winter break. I've also hung out with the exchange student from this year (Shiho), even though I'm not even in high school anymore haha.

But ANYWAYS, sorry for the pointless backstory. I swear I'm getting somewhere with this.

I was just looking at Shiho's Facebook page and I noticed that in the box under her profile picture, it said "I love the people who always help me♥". Now, you may laugh at the slightly Engrish-sounding nature of this sentence, and I'll admit, I chuckled a little too.

But seriously, what an adorable and true thing to say. It's the perfect quote for me right now.

I love the people who always help me.

I love the people who have been helping me, who are helping me, and who will continue to help me.

Don't worry, the light at the end of the tunnel is approaching.

Thank you.

Happy songs

Lately, I don't like listening to happy songs or songs with lyrics that are happy or content.

Yeah, you're probably thinking that I'm just being a stupid, emo, Debbie Downer. At maybe that's what it seems like. But I think it's because of something else.

Why would I want to listen to other people singing about their own happiness? Why should I take joy in something that isn't mine? Why should I want to listen to something that isn't mine?

I want to find my own happiness. I want it to be mine. I don't want to indulge in anyone else's.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I still love making people happy, because doing that makes me extremely happy. But this is different.

I don't want what isn't mine.

I want what's mine.

So where is it?

Skewed

I really have nothing planned out to say, so we'll see where my mind takes me.

I've been more stable lately, and I'm really not sure why. I guess I'm just bipolar like that...Hah, I joke. I don't have a mental disorder (at least as far as I'm concerned).

I find that if I don't think about it and act like it isn't happening, I can get by and function seemingly normally. I don't know if that's really the best way to go about this, but it's fine for now at least.

But who knows, in another two days, I could be curled up in a ball in the corner crying like a sad little emo kid. OH WELL! (For the record, I've never curled up in a ball in the corner and cried like a sad little emo kid. Just sayin'.)

So, in other words, I will not be checking into a mental hospital just yet :p Haha.

In other news, I bought a new microphone off of Amazon last week, and it came in the mail today. I'm SO excited to write and record new songs. I want to put together an EP sometime this year. It's one of the only two goals I have currently. Goals are good, yes? Even if my motivation for them is skewed? Sure.

That's really honestly all I have to say, so I'll end it here so I won't bore all like three of you who read this.

That hesitant first step

This entry is extremely personal, so it's taking a lot from me to type this out, knowing other people are going to read it. But so be it.

You all know what it's like to take that hesitant first step.

That first step onto the field, court, or stage. You don't want to move forward into the spotlight, afraid of what people will think and say. You're quite comfortable standing and waiting in the shadows, hoping maybe the spotlight will find you and you'll catch a break.

But we all know life doesn't work this way. At least, not normally. But that's not the point.

I am struggling with the first step toward reform and healing. I guess it's because I don't know exactly what that first step is.

I mean...well, I'm going to be straightforward here. I'm not emotionally stable. I never was. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life where I was. I don't know if that means my mental stability is affected, but it's likely. So, sure, call me a psycho, I really don't care. We're all a little psycho deep down.

I had an enormous breakdown a little while ago, whilst talking to one of my dear friends. I was going insane. I could not breathe. It felt like my heart wasn't there, there was just heat. My eyes were wide with tears. Amidst my emotional outburst, she suggested that I get a counselor. I told her that there wasn't anything like that here. But then I checked my college's website, and sure enough, there really is.

Again, call me a nutter, I don't really care. At least I can feel.

Anyways, I'm so hesitant and scared to take this step. I don't want to take it. I'm at the point where I don't think anyone can help or change me but myself. But obviously that isn't working too quickly or effectively right now. So I can either wait this out a little bit more, or go right ahead assuming I'm a nut case.

I'm not crazy, though. I'm just a little unwell right now. (Wait, no, that's a song. Dang it.)

I'll keep you updated with this if any of you care.

Douche-y guys

Oh the things that the "Recommended For You" box on YouTube holds.
And I apologize for the spontaneity of this blog.
I also apologize for posting too much. I will tone it down a bit, I promise.

<.stupid pointless observation that no one cares about>

I came across this video. Yeah the song kind of sucks and she doesn't have a very strong or interesting voice. BUT that's not the point. The music video brings up something that I've been pondering for the past few months.

In the video, the main guy is (obviously) a douche bag. Rolling his eyes when his girl can't bowl, checking out other girls when she isn't looking, and (as shown in flashback scenes) he plays this girl the same way he played the singer girl.

This isn't the only instance of douche-y guy portrayals in our media today. And I honestly haven't really come across a guy who was that douche-y (and I apologize for my continued use of this word, which isn't even a word). But I still have to wonder this: What happens to these guys down the road?

Does this so-called "douche bag" eventually grow up, wisen up, and move on with his life? Or does he simply go from girl to girl, hoping that the girl can tolerate his ways long enough until he loses interest?

That then brings up the question: Can people change? I honestly do not know. Sure, you can change your hair color, change the way you talk, change your views on certain issues, but can you, and I mean the essential core of you, change? Me being someone who can always find the good in people, I'd really like to think that it's possible. But as I move along further into my life, I find it hard to change the unsatisfactory things about myself. And I don't mean the shallow things like looks or whatnot, I mean things like my feelings and mindset.

So can I change? Can the douche-y guys change? Or are we forced to just keep on loving them and accept them for who they are? Everybody needs somebody. Even the douche bags. Even though we wish they could change. Even though we wish WE could change them.

<./stupid pointless observation that no one cares about>

Grammy fail and Zour friends

I sit here on my futon, hunched over my laptop, in awe of how unbearable the last three and a half hours have been.

I was really looking forward to the Grammys, mainly for some Gaga and such. But after her opening performance, the show just like couldn't have gotten any better, so it basically just went downhill. It's a shame because I was counting on the Grammys to uplift my spirits.

After the first hour or so, it started to get painful. Like, 'taking-a-pencil-and-wanting-to-poke-your-eyes-out' painful. Although, I guess it would still be bad after that, because you could still hear the madness, and you'd have no eyeballs.

Thank God I had my trusty box of delicious Zours at hand. They got me through this devastating occurrence. So thank you, Zours, thank you.

And I know it's pathetic, but music reminds me of him. And I'm not just talking about a song here and there. No. Music in general. It's pathetic, crazy, and unhealthy. I know, I'm aware of this. I'm working on it, I really am.

I think it'd be a whole lot worse if I didn't have such wonderful friends around who are helping me--or at least trying to help me. I think I've gotten closer to my big sister in the past week than I have in my entire life. I've met people in the past month who are the nicest and most caring friends I've ever had in my entire life.

Even though I am struggling through this devastation to reform myself, I know I'd be a whole lot worse if I didn't have those people. And even though they may think I'm some delusional, naive, stupid girl who doesn't listen to anything they say, I really need them around right now. And I'll need them around after all this is over and done with.

So just like my box of Zours got me through the most painful Grammys to date, my friends will get me through my most painful heartbreak to date.

Hang in there for me, guys. I'm trying.

It's time

It's time yet again for another blog.

If I recall correctly this is my...1st...2nd...3rd...4th...5th...6th...7th...8th blog. (I should scour the internet to find all my old ones.)

My first two were Xangas. Oh good ol' Xanga. My first experience with sharing my thoughts with my friends as well as the world. So much drama. I then had like three Blogspots (here, here, here). I also had a LiveJournal that I wrote in once (here...pretty profound what I had to say...) So that was good. And now I currently have a Tumblr, which I use to let out the most violent anger rants. I haven't really shared the link with anyone, so don't even ask. Haha.

So why am I starting another blog? There's really no point, and I'll be the first to admit it. There's really no point for ANYONE to start a blog. It's just a way for egotistical people to type out some intelligent-sounding bull honkey and think people care about what they have to say, furthering their already increasing head size.

I'm starting a blog for the sole purpose that I can sort out my current thoughts. And if other people read it, awesome. If you're reading this, maybe I can affect your life or help you for a mere second with one insignificant word or sentence. In fact, it would make me very happy if people read this and could relate to the things I'm saying. Feel free to leave a comment if something in particular stands out to you.

It's time to reform myself after the devastation known as utter and total heartbreak.

So here you go, you small world. Take me for who I am.