Silence

...You hear that?

...

Yes, silence.

Silence is something we all take for granted, I think. Silence allows us to forget the things that are going on around us. It allows us to sit and think about whatever we wish. It allows us to create worlds in our minds that no one else can see.

As I sit here in my silent dorm room in the early hours of the morning, I realize that this is all my life is. Silence.

My life is static, quiet, and uninteresting. And like silence, I think I'm taken for granted at times.

I spend over half my day sitting and thinking. Not just thinking, but creating and imagining situations that I can only dream about. I think way too much about the future and what will happen to me. I imagine a life where I grow up and am happy. I take comfort in these thoughts, but then realize that they are only thoughts. Thoughts created from nothing. From silence.

When will my silence be broken? Where is that loud noise I'm waiting for to break the silence?

Where are you?

I need you.

Trust

(Really cheesy title, I know)

I really should be in bed right now. BUT I wanted to write a blog so all my thoughts wouldn't disappear into thin air before I got the chance to write (type?) them down.

So in the past (as in high school), I was afraid to get too close to people I liked. Whenever I would like someone and they would like me, this voice in the back of my head would start yelling at me, being like "Oh man, you have to get out of this. No matter what. You have to." So that's what I would do. I broke some hearts this way. Thankfully (?) it only happened with two people, but I regret being such a scared little baby when all I ever was, was confused. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anything.

Recently (as in about 6 hours ago), this instinct started kicking in. I started gushing out my thoughts and doubts and worries. The walls came up, my insecurity kicked in, and I didn't know what to say.

But you see, there is a difference now compared to my high school years. In high school, those guys didn't really care about me. If they did, they would have done everything in their power to make me stay. They would have stuck around, been understanding, and just been there to talk to. But they didn't. They didn't really care.

But NOW, guess what? Someone cares. Someone actually cares. I, myself, cannot fathom it, and I'm still having quite a struggle accepting it. It's hard after so many years of being rejected, alone, abandoned, lied to, and destroyed.

Something seemingly so easy like trust is really not something to toy with. It's tough. And with people's minds becoming diluted by all those chick flicks, it's no wonder. In the movies, it's just like trust is there with a snap of your fingers. It's totally not like that, in case you didn't know already.

What I'm trying to say is that...don't push people away because you're scared. I still have to tell myself this to this very day...this very second. If someone really cares about you enough, then you have to take that risk. You have to let your walls down a little. (I wish I could take my own advice haha).

So, that's my life right now.

I just have to trust.

I'd rather

Yes, yes, I know you all (all like five of you) are wondering why I changed the name of my blog. And if you didn't notice or you weren't wondering or if you just don't care, well then, why are you here?

The previous title of my blog "Devastation & Reform" was the title of a Relient K song. The title as well as the song fit my situation very well when I started this blog. It's really a wonderful song, you should look it up.

The new title "Forget & Not Slow Down" is also the title of a Relient K song. I think as time has been passing, I've been becoming okay. So to reflect this change, I'd thought I'd give this blog a new title. The song also reflects a new outlook on life and about moving on.

How many times
Can I push it aside?
Is it time I befriended all the ghosts
Of all the things that haunt me most,
So they leave me alone?
Move on with my life,
Be certain the steps of left and right
Don't fight the direction of upright.

I'd rather forget and not slow down,
Than gather regret for the things I can't change now.
If I become what I can't accept,
Resurrect the saint from within the wretch,
Pour over me and wash my hands of it.

So I hope this change will be the first of many.

Because there comes a time when you just have to move on, forget, and not slow down.

Keep running and never look back.

Because I'd rather forget and not slow down than be stuck here wallowing in my devastation, hoping desperately that I'll magically reform.

The Road

I wanted to blog tonight, but realized that I had nothing to say. So I looked through some of my Tumblr posts and found these lyrics I wrote. どうぞ。In other words, here ya go.

The Road

How far can my heart stretch
Until it tears in half?
Do I know my own strength
Walking slowly down this road
Of self destruction, that leads to a cliff?
You warned me long ago
That I might feel like this.
Still I took that risk

Still I tried to fix
You

I suppose now I believe
That you can’t change a man.
You only end up useless, defenseless,
Walking dazed in a trance.
But still I keep moving along
This road you promised us.
Even if you don’t come back,
I’m never giving up.

How far can I keep walking
Until my legs give out?
I think I’m still standing,
But I really rather not
Look back to see if you’re following me,
‘Cause then I’d have to convince
My heart that you weren’t real
And I’d have to kill this

This thought of
You

I suppose now I believe
That you can’t change a man.
You only end up useless, defenseless,
Walking dazed in a trance,
I'll still I keep moving along
This road you promised us.
Even if you don’t come back,
I’m never giving up.

Maybe I can pretend,
Fake it long enough
Until you’re really there,
No one could call my bluff.
No one would know
That I’m nothing to you.

I suppose now I won’t believe
That you can’t change a man.
Even if I’m useless, defenseless,
Walking dazed in a trance.
But still I’ll keep moving along
This road you promised us.
Even if you don’t come back,
I’ll never give you up.

Not now

It's 2am and I still need haven't finished studying for my history exam that I have tomorrow. I have photographic memory, so if I just look over the notes a couple times, I should be fine. Maybe.

But anyway, I wanted to post a blog while I was in a decent mood. But much to my dismay, I can feel that decent mood slowly slipping away. Dang it. Oh well, here I go anyway.

I realized today that I am constantly thinking and worrying about what is not now. In other words, I either live in the past or in the future. I never think about what is going on right now. When something happens, my brain is constantly thinking ahead, about how that happening will affect things later on. Then, when things don't work out, I drown myself in the past when things were the way I wanted them to be.

Is this normal? I mean, to a certain degree, I would hope that everyone thinks about the future. I mean, one needs to at times for certain things. But I think, quite possibly, they way I go about thinking about things is a little excessive. So, stop it, Anna! -slaps wrist-

It's hard to live in the now. I guess I really don't know how. I'm so afraid I won't end up happy, that I constantly feel that I have to do everything in my power (and sometimes things out of my power) to arrange things so that I'll be better off days, weeks, months, years down the road. I need to assure myself that things will be okay eventually if I just keep preparing myself for what might or might not happen.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now.

The bottom line, I guess, is that I don't know how to really live. Yeah, that sounds way better than all that rambling up there.

Technical woes

As I am currently quite frustrated with technology, the atmosphere of this post might be quite bitter, cynical, and frustrated. You know, the fun stuff. (But when am I not bitter, cynical, and frustrated?)

(Although, I'm listening to one of Raven Zoe's songs right now, and it's kind of calming me. BUT STILL. I'll just wait until the song is over, and resume my sour mood.)

....

Hm, yeah, I'm going to have to buy her EP.

Okay, anyways, MOVING ON!

Elaborating on my technology woes... when I was home on Saturday, I literally spent the entire day recording a song and editing together a video for it to put up on YouTube. First, MPEG Streamclip wouldn't cooperate. It kept squishing my videos. After many facepalms and frustrated sighs, I got it to work. I felt quite accomplished.

Then I opened up FinalCut Express, and I was having just a grand ol' time editing together everything. Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. I love editing stuff together. It makes me feel smart. So when I was done, I exported it and everything seemed dandy. Then I opened up Quicktime just for one last watch before I uploaded it. And I almost threw my computer across the room.



It's probably hard to tell from the picture, but... the video is supposed to be in 16:9 (because my camera is HD), but FinalCut Express PUT IT IN 4:3 SO NOW EVERYTHING IS STRETCHED OUT AND HAS THE STUPID BLACK LETTERBOXES.

I looked everywhere for a solution. I couldn't find it. I scoured Google and YouTube, hoping something could help me. But nothing. I couldn't find anything.

I gave up. A few minutes ago, I deleted FinalCut Express from my computer, and am now currently downloading it again.

I think this current struggle with computers reflects my life in a way.

I'm looking everywhere and asking everyone I can for a solution. I can't find one. No matter how hard I look, there isn't going to be one. I am in control of how I feel, even though it doesn't really feel that way right now. There's no solution. So I'm giving up on trying to feel anything for anyone. My heart will eventually freeze over, be locked up, and be bolted down.

And there's nothing I can do. Unlike computer programs, I can't just delete, re-download, and re-install. No matter how mechanical and robotic I may become later on, it'll never be true.

Roots

As I type this, I am safe and sound in my own bed. It feels good to be home, I guess.

Today, I went to go see my old high school's show choirs perform. Hey, I was in it for three years, it's the least I could do. But anyways.

As I sat by myself the audience, memories of high school, memories of all the stupid things I went through, memories of the times I was beaten down filled my mind. I was actually crying.

You see, in high school, I was the one who stood up for herself, yet was afraid to live. I was afraid to just let myself go and let all my worries go. I was uncomfortable with myself and everything and everyone. Mainly because I felt like no one listened to me. And no one really did.

When I was in show choir, I was constantly verbally abused and treated unfairly by the director, who was extremely immature. And I'm not just saying that. Everyone around me saw it too, but they didn't do anything about it. They just stood by and watched it happen. Every time.

Every time he would say something out of line to me, I would stick up for myself. He would then beat me down with another comment, and it would usually end in me either being extremely ticked off or me leaving the room, crying.

There was one time in particular at the last competition last year (by this time, I wasn't even in the choir anymore, just the back up band) where everyone was standing in the hallway, waiting for our turn to perform. It is typical of mostly everyone to cry at the last competition because it is the seniors' last competition ever. So, yeah, my eyes were tearing up a bit.

My director then started to threaten me if I did not stop crying. This only made it worse. He then grabbed me by the arm, and took me farther down the hallway, to then yell and scream and verbally abuse me just inches from my face. I was hysterical. Everyone could hear and see everything.

After he walked away, I collapsed on the ground in a heap and sobbed like a child. Sure, I had felt defeat before, but not like that. I had never been or looked so helpless in my life. I had been beaten down past my breaking point and I just didn't understand anything.

And now I'm thinking...maybe if I had stood up for myself just a little bit more, maybe if I had not allowed myself to be so beaten down by someone so immature, maybe if I had just not been so afraid of life, I wouldn't be the way I am now...so easily broken down and defeated, having essentially no self esteem left.

I truly believe that what I went through in high school has permanently affected me emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. And maybe the story I just told you doesn't seen like a big deal to you, but believe me, there are many more similar stories that I either don't care to tell or don't remember.

So those are the roots of why I am who I am. Roots that will be extremely difficult to uproot, if not impossible to ever uproot.