Roots

As I type this, I am safe and sound in my own bed. It feels good to be home, I guess.

Today, I went to go see my old high school's show choirs perform. Hey, I was in it for three years, it's the least I could do. But anyways.

As I sat by myself the audience, memories of high school, memories of all the stupid things I went through, memories of the times I was beaten down filled my mind. I was actually crying.

You see, in high school, I was the one who stood up for herself, yet was afraid to live. I was afraid to just let myself go and let all my worries go. I was uncomfortable with myself and everything and everyone. Mainly because I felt like no one listened to me. And no one really did.

When I was in show choir, I was constantly verbally abused and treated unfairly by the director, who was extremely immature. And I'm not just saying that. Everyone around me saw it too, but they didn't do anything about it. They just stood by and watched it happen. Every time.

Every time he would say something out of line to me, I would stick up for myself. He would then beat me down with another comment, and it would usually end in me either being extremely ticked off or me leaving the room, crying.

There was one time in particular at the last competition last year (by this time, I wasn't even in the choir anymore, just the back up band) where everyone was standing in the hallway, waiting for our turn to perform. It is typical of mostly everyone to cry at the last competition because it is the seniors' last competition ever. So, yeah, my eyes were tearing up a bit.

My director then started to threaten me if I did not stop crying. This only made it worse. He then grabbed me by the arm, and took me farther down the hallway, to then yell and scream and verbally abuse me just inches from my face. I was hysterical. Everyone could hear and see everything.

After he walked away, I collapsed on the ground in a heap and sobbed like a child. Sure, I had felt defeat before, but not like that. I had never been or looked so helpless in my life. I had been beaten down past my breaking point and I just didn't understand anything.

And now I'm thinking...maybe if I had stood up for myself just a little bit more, maybe if I had not allowed myself to be so beaten down by someone so immature, maybe if I had just not been so afraid of life, I wouldn't be the way I am now...so easily broken down and defeated, having essentially no self esteem left.

I truly believe that what I went through in high school has permanently affected me emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. And maybe the story I just told you doesn't seen like a big deal to you, but believe me, there are many more similar stories that I either don't care to tell or don't remember.

So those are the roots of why I am who I am. Roots that will be extremely difficult to uproot, if not impossible to ever uproot.