That hesitant first step

This entry is extremely personal, so it's taking a lot from me to type this out, knowing other people are going to read it. But so be it.

You all know what it's like to take that hesitant first step.

That first step onto the field, court, or stage. You don't want to move forward into the spotlight, afraid of what people will think and say. You're quite comfortable standing and waiting in the shadows, hoping maybe the spotlight will find you and you'll catch a break.

But we all know life doesn't work this way. At least, not normally. But that's not the point.

I am struggling with the first step toward reform and healing. I guess it's because I don't know exactly what that first step is.

I mean...well, I'm going to be straightforward here. I'm not emotionally stable. I never was. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life where I was. I don't know if that means my mental stability is affected, but it's likely. So, sure, call me a psycho, I really don't care. We're all a little psycho deep down.

I had an enormous breakdown a little while ago, whilst talking to one of my dear friends. I was going insane. I could not breathe. It felt like my heart wasn't there, there was just heat. My eyes were wide with tears. Amidst my emotional outburst, she suggested that I get a counselor. I told her that there wasn't anything like that here. But then I checked my college's website, and sure enough, there really is.

Again, call me a nutter, I don't really care. At least I can feel.

Anyways, I'm so hesitant and scared to take this step. I don't want to take it. I'm at the point where I don't think anyone can help or change me but myself. But obviously that isn't working too quickly or effectively right now. So I can either wait this out a little bit more, or go right ahead assuming I'm a nut case.

I'm not crazy, though. I'm just a little unwell right now. (Wait, no, that's a song. Dang it.)

I'll keep you updated with this if any of you care.