Not now

It's 2am and I still need haven't finished studying for my history exam that I have tomorrow. I have photographic memory, so if I just look over the notes a couple times, I should be fine. Maybe.

But anyway, I wanted to post a blog while I was in a decent mood. But much to my dismay, I can feel that decent mood slowly slipping away. Dang it. Oh well, here I go anyway.

I realized today that I am constantly thinking and worrying about what is not now. In other words, I either live in the past or in the future. I never think about what is going on right now. When something happens, my brain is constantly thinking ahead, about how that happening will affect things later on. Then, when things don't work out, I drown myself in the past when things were the way I wanted them to be.

Is this normal? I mean, to a certain degree, I would hope that everyone thinks about the future. I mean, one needs to at times for certain things. But I think, quite possibly, they way I go about thinking about things is a little excessive. So, stop it, Anna! -slaps wrist-

It's hard to live in the now. I guess I really don't know how. I'm so afraid I won't end up happy, that I constantly feel that I have to do everything in my power (and sometimes things out of my power) to arrange things so that I'll be better off days, weeks, months, years down the road. I need to assure myself that things will be okay eventually if I just keep preparing myself for what might or might not happen.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now.

The bottom line, I guess, is that I don't know how to really live. Yeah, that sounds way better than all that rambling up there.